Description
A groundbreaking guide to raising responsible, capable, happy kids
Based on the latest research on brain development and extensive clinical experience with parents, Dr. Laura Markham’s approach is as simple as it is effective. Her message: Fostering emotional connection with your child creates real and lasting change. When you have that vital connection, you don’t need to threaten, nag, plead, bribe—or even punish.
This remarkable guide will help parents better understand their own emotions—and get them in check—so they can parent with healthy limits, empathy, and clear communication to raise a self-disciplined child. Step-by-step examples give solutions and kid-tested phrasing for parents of toddlers right through the elementary years.
If you’re tired of power struggles, tantrums, and searching for the right “consequence,” look no further. You’re about to discover the practical tools you need to transform your parenting in a positive, proven way.
Rashonda03 (verified owner) –
I enjoyed reading Dr Laura’s blog and couldn’t wait for her book to be released; it doesn’t disappoint. My daughter is 17 months and I haven’t purchased any parenting (“discipline”) books until this one, and I feel like it will be the last parenting book I will ever need to buy.
The one point that Dr Laura really drills deep is anytime your child ‘acts out’ or ‘misbehaves,’ it is a message from your child that something isn’t quite right and he/she is reaching out for your help. Dr Laura’s tips are gentle and ALWAYS have you parent with empathy by feeling and seeing things they way your child does.
The knowledge from this book actually helped me tonight as I was putting my daughter to bed. She usually goes to sleep easily on most nights, but for whatever reason tonight, she had a major meltdown and kept standing in her crib pleading (with the few words she can use) for me to pick her up. Instead of becoming angry or frustrated, I just held her, I let her cry and gently rocked her to sleep. No yelling; no feelings that she had won me over… but rather a feeling of peace that I was able to get her to sleep without letting her crying get to the best of me. I was able to keep my own emotions under control (Dr Laura has an entire chapter dedicated to this subject), and I know we can always try again for a better night tomorrow.
This book is not a quick, one-time read, but rather a reference to have close by at all times. When I was first reading it, I was a little overwhelmed by the number of tips that I had to remember, but I see I won’t have to use them all at once, but rather on an as-needed basis. There is no cookie cutter approach to Dr Laura’s parenting style; just empathy, patience and healthy limits.
I highly recommend this book! As Dr Laura has said, Always Parent with LOVE!
Melissa B (verified owner) –
This is truly the best parenting book I’ve read, and I’ve read a lot. Most of the books Dr. Laura sights I have read (Alfie Kohn, Larry Cohen, Dan Siegel, etc…) and while I love the philosophy of all of those, I’ve often found it hard to “put it into practice”. This book has all of the great idea’s AND easy to follow guides to put it to use. We practice AP style parenting and we have a very spirited and energetic young girl. While I LOVE her to bits, her ability to listen and follow directions does cause us frustration. I was finding recently that I couldn’t get her to respond without raising my voice, which I hate. Within just a week of reading Dr. Laura’s book, I noticed an amazing difference in the relationship with my 3yr old daughter. It was so noticeable that my father actually called me the day after coming to see us to tell me how much he noticed the change. The BEST part of this book is that it focus’ first on us, the parent, explaining how regulating and changing our behavior, and modeling that, will change the relationships we have with our children. So simple and yet so true. It also talks a lot about raising an emotionally intelligent and resilient child. I have been recommending this book to all of my friends. It’s easy and quick and amazing.
Rachel (verified owner) –
I have recently become a stay at home mom of a 3 year old after my second daughter was born. (Now 6 mo.) It was a very hard transition for both my daughter and me. I have read several “parenting/discipline” books before but honestly never actually finished most of them because the methods just didn’t seem to fit for us. When things at home went from okay, to bad, to really bad. I came across this book by luck and thought it sounded a little more like my parenting style, why not just give it a try.
What a difference in one night of reading! It really put things into perspective for me. I haven’t learned anything by reading this that I did not already know but it really opened my eyes to have it literally spelled out for me.
It has now been about 4 weeks and I still have not finished the book as I just read a few pages at night. But there has been no screaming (on my part) since that first night. My daughter still has her little fits but she is so much more cooperative and happily does things when I ask her to do them. No more power struggles and fighting every step of the way.
I am SO thankful I found this book. It came just as I was coming to the end of my rope. I have already decided that a copy of this book will be included with any baby shower gift I give from now on!
ctatty (verified owner) –
Although this book is based on accepted, current, scientific work, Laura Markham’s humanity, experience and practicality shine through. I swear this book has made me a better grandparent. It helped me see the world through the little ones’ eyes and carefully suggested strategies, scripts and thoughts which have directly helped me sail through some rough waters with my grandchildren. Soon after reading the book, I had an encounter with one of my grandkids, one who has difficulties with many tasks and melts down very easily, even at age 7. He burst into tears when I reminded him to go to the bathroom before we left the house. I was puzzled by this response, and had an instinct to dig in my heels and respond with annoyance and strictness. Instead, I thought, “What would Laura do?” I actually felt myself at peace as I pulled back and said with some humor that boy, he really, really didn’t want to go to the bathroom, but he had not had an accident in years, so it didn’t seem worth a battle. I said that I was surprised at his reaction, but something clearly must be bothering him, so we could skip it or did he have another suggestion about what to do. Suddenly, he calmed down, radiated gratitude for my acknowledgement of his distress. He suggested that if he could take his coat off, it would be much easier and off he pranced to do so. Laura’s voice in my head, her examples, humor, equanimity and solid scientific basis–all made me love this book. I bought one for each of my adult kids, whose children range from newborn to age 8–something in there for everyone.
Mrs. UGA (verified owner) –
My son recently turned 2 and it seemed overnight, he became easily frustrated and had a hard time calming down. There have also been times where he would not listen to me (like running away in public), and our time together would become a battle. I just knew there had to be a better way, but wasn’t sure what to do. I’ve always considered myself (or aspired to be) a “peaceful parent,” but that’s not how I grew up, so I wasn’t sure what to model for him. Well, this book has given me the tools and it’s been an eye-opener! It’s an easy read, and it explains so much! Instead of reacting to everything, PAUSE (the book tells you how, ha ha)! I’ve noticed a major difference in just a week–with myself, my marriage, and my son! Now, I get to be the parent I’ve always wanted to be: one who really enjoys her child and has internal peace. I always admired those moms at church who had 8 kids and seemed unfazed by the little things. Here I have one child, and couldn’t seem to center myself. This book has been it for me! Being a peaceful parent can be achieved, fellow Moms and Dads!
Windwalker3 (verified owner) –
This was to help our son and his wife deal with the stress of raising a very intelligent but difficult to manage child. Time will rate this product and I will only know the results in about twenty years – so far, so good.
Lesley K Myers (verified owner) –
This book helped me change my behavior (frustration, anger and yelling), which has had a tremendous impact on my relationships with my 3 kiddos (4, 7 and 9). The negativity in our home has decreased. I made changes slowly and I am still mastering some of the solutions but I no longer feel like a drill sergeant in my own home.
kristengwilliams (verified owner) –
I adopted my first child 5 months ago when she was 6 years old. She lived in an orphanage for most of her life so there were some common institutionalized behaviors as well as a lot of boundary testing. I also started to experience some of my “mom” issues, as I couldn’t believe that I was sounding like my own mother! Anyway, I was feeling out of control in terms of all the things I was taught in my pre-adoption education just weren’t working with my daughter. I was using the book Parenting the Hurt Child a lot but still, it wasn’t completely effective and most of all, I could tell that our attachment and relationship had some barriers. I found this book because one day I yelled at her. I hated the way I felt and the look she gave me broke my heart.
I paid for quick shipping- I needed a lifeboat! Anyway, from the first chapter, the think I LOVED about this book was that it doesn’t focus on what’s wrong with your child in terms of how do you change their behavior. Instead, if focuses on your relationship and how to stay connected. It truly has been a game changer for us!! The main principles it focuses on are 1) regulate yourself- why are you having the emotional response you are? 2) Empathize with your child- just having someone validate your feelings is a stress reliever 3) Emotional coaching not controlling. We will never be able to control someone, you want to coach them to make good choice or redoes. My daughter has responded very well to our new “process” when there are meltdowns or poor decision making. I feel a huge burden off my shoulders and find that I’m not getting emotionally charged like I did before.
Another big thing they talked about was the importance of ‘roughhousing’ with your child. That many times kids have stress and feelings they don’t know how to process and through play (wrestling, tickling, airplane rides…) provides a release for those stress hormones. I’ve found that if she is edgy or “off” if I start to play with her like that, it’s AMAZING the difference in mood.
I would highly recommend this book!
IML (verified owner) –
I started practicing what Dr Laura advises and saw changes in my sons behavior right away. I guess the most important thing I learned was that the reactions I have toward my sons are a reflection of my inner problems. And it’s not their fault I have these problems.
M. Durando (verified owner) –
The main idea in the book is very simple: unless you recur to force every time, you cannot really make anyone do what you want them to do – not even your kids; and force will work only while you can enforce it: while you are present and they have not grown enough to rebel. So, the only other option is to make your kids want to follow your directives, by means of your influence upon them and the trust they have in you – which requires that you put your connection with your child above everything else. And, since you cannot truly connect with another human being unless you’re in peace with yourself – there comes the title of the book.
I’m not giving it five stars because it gets quite repetitive some (many) times.
Laura Pratt (verified owner) –
While I haven’t been able to finish this book, I’ve already learned more about my child and myself in the few short chapters I have finished. I don’t think you have to be a” Montessori” leaning mommy to appreciate this book. Every parent needs to read. The info in this book I have not run across anywhere else. I will most likely change my rating to 5 stars when I do finish and can attest to changes in our house (that are already happening)….
Babs (verified owner) –
This is the best parenting book I have ever come across. I read tons of magazines, books, audio books. Seriously, from now on any time I have to attend a baby shower, this is going be the gift. I wish I had this book before my son was born. I really screwed up a lot until I finally got the educated advice of this woman. I started implementing the methods and instantly I got desired results. What results? A closer bond to my son. I don’t raise my voice or have to threaten anymore, and using play I get a smile and a giggle from him while getting him it sit in his car seat without the struggle or brush his teeth without feeling frustrated. I want to meet this woman and cry on her shoulder. As a first time mom, I didn’t know what to do. I was confused, and everything I read was telling me that there was no wrong way to parent and the choice was up to me on choosing my own individual style, well there is a wrong way and a right way. I’m so glad to be on the path of right. It feels really good.
avidreader (verified owner) –
I have a strong willed five year old with who has some anxiety/phobias, so nothing is a panacea for us.
Where this book helped immeasurably was in keeping me calm, focused and connected, not losing my cool and reacting. I was able to break a pretty well ingrained cycle where my strong willed child would get us all wound up, and we were ALL unhappy a good amount of the time. It’s been about four or five months, we’re all a lot happier, and my daughter actually wants to cooperate most of the time now. While this book hasn’t fixed all of the problems all of the time (and yes, we still need to work on the main issues around the anxiety) WOW, it sure made a difference in that way we relate to one another! Her behavior is much better and we all are happier. I feel more joy and more connection than I did before, and based on how my daughter is acting, I would say she does too!
This book is definitely worth the read (and the reread).
Karen (verified owner) –
Since using just some of the suggestions in this book, I’ve gone from 5 time outs a day to maybe one a week, and now finally none at all! I’ve been able to connect to my pre-schooler (who has a very short fuse) in a way that is respectful of him, myself, and the rest of the family and now we are laughing more, I am relaxed more, he is relaxed more, and everyone is have a better time within our family unit. We still have issues to resolved on a daily basis, he is only 4, but approaching the issues springs from patience, empathy, understanding, flexibility and above all…love. I still have times when I raise my voice and have to check myself, but I’m humble enough now to apologize to everyone and give myself time to take care of me so my personal issues don’t become my children’s personal issues (forever). This book has great suggestions, but it does take time and commitment, but our children are worth it.
Virginia Lawrence (verified owner) –
I would recommend this book for any parent who feels like they waste so much energy getting upset and yelling. I have a 4 year old son and 2 1/2 year old daughter and it got to the point where everyone in our household was yelling, it felt constant and it was draining. I read this book and within the first couple of chapters had a good sense of where my yelling was coming from and how this behavior is passed to your children. Their yelling is a projection of me! I stated out loud to my husband and children that I wanted all of us to stop getting so upset that we have to yell and that has made a big difference in our household, just aknowledging that it was too much is a good step. Don’t get me wrong, there are days when things get crazy but this book really helps you to put the situation in perspective and take a deep breath. At the end of the day I feel less exhausted and can appreciate my children’s feelings. I feel more content as a parent and like I’m on the same team as my child versus trying to be so controlling. There are days though when there is just blatant disrespect, so we’re working on that! I feel like we’re on a mery go round, where the horses gradually move up and down, versus being on a roller coaster.
kirsten kainz (verified owner) –
This book has made an impact on me. It has helped me understand how my behavior and reactions really have hurt my daughter who is seven years old now. I wish I read this earlier. She has very difficult behavior issues. My husband and I get very frustrated and angry. This book helps us understand how we need to process the frustration in a better way – just as we hope she will someday learn to do.
It is good to read if you have a child who has anger issues or is high strung.
Jessica Denton (verified owner) –
I enjoyed the book, it is well laid out and contains sound advice. It is hard to implement. I don’t blame Dr. Markham, I blame myself. I am supposed to control myself, be the grown up… breathe. However, when you take the time, day and night to tend to everyone’s needs, it is hard to tend to your own. You get tired. You get frustrated. You get time “in’s.” You don’t ignore. You coach – you don’t control. It takes a lot of time and patience. Is it possible to learn this method and get good at it? Yes. Is it easy? No. I am still working on it. I’ll continue to work on it. Don’t expect a quick fix.
Deidre (verified owner) –
I was probably ready for this book. And, as Dr. Markham herself acknowledges, she draws from Sears, all the PET greats, and the current TBP greats. But this book is different because the focus is not on changing the child, but on changing one’s self in relation to one’s child. And the thing is, there’s not all that much to change or “work on”. The method is simplicity itself: stop yelling, cajoling, and ordering. Stop reacting. Connect. Duh. We all know this as parents, but few of us know how to choose another way, and that’s what Markham’s book is so good at that all the other parenting books fail at: it doesn’t overwhelm with examples and scripts, and you get help for immediate problems, like defiant pre-schoolers, without having to concoct scenarios or wait for big behavior problems. The whole idea, as with any good parenting strategy, is to build relationship with children, but again, the focus is on the adults managing their own behaviors and needs, first. Does it work? Yes. After one trial week the knot in my stomach is gone, my child’s behavior problems (aggression, defiance, detachment) have diminished by two thirds; he is happier; I am happier and way more productive; my spouse is happier; the two of us are happier together; and best of all, the three of us are creating sustainable relationships with each other based on trust and love. Try it for yourselves–you really have nothing to lose but a few hours.
Green City MaMA (verified owner) –
This book is a fabulous quick read that reminds us to love our kids, no matter what. It gives good ideas about how to view your children’s actions in a different and more patient way. They are not the enemy after all. The only thing that would make it better is for it to have more realistic examples and behavior patterns. Overall though, it’s a great choice.
Carly (verified owner) –
My husband and I have read many, many parenting books over the years, and this one is our favorite by far. DH loves how the book is laid out. There are a lot of headings so it is easy to find the topic you want quickly, and it’s easy to read a little at a time. The actual parenting techniques contained in this book are “connection parenting” techniques, which I really love. Instead of telling parents how to control a child’s behavior, this book focuses on helping parents establish good relationships with their children so their behavior does not need to be controlled. The more connected a child feels, the more pleasant and cooperative a child behaves. It just makes sense to me!! I have also devoured and recommend the work of Pam Leo and Patty Wipfler who are also connection parenting gurus. This book, however, is the easiest to read and the most practical of all I’ve found.
M. Black (verified owner) –
I wish this book came with my children when I brought them home from the hospital. If you see your role as a parent primarily as a disciplinarian and are looking for ways to use time out or punishments to elicit right behavior from kids, then this is not the book for you. If you, like me, have found that time outs and verbal threats usually just leave your kids with frustration, reluctant obedience and hard feelings, and if you wish you could offer your kids better guidance if you just knew how, this book provides the know-how. It is a manual on how to emotion coach your child to handle negative situations better. Its main focus is how to connect with your child deeply everyday so they will really value their relationship with you and want to please you. The most important lesson in it for me, was learning how to control my own behavior better to model self control and a loving attitude for my kids. Not revert to shouting, guilt tripping, coercive or “because I said so” mindsets. Growing up in an authoritarian household, it will take a lot of work to unlearn my own behaviors to raise my kids differently. I will be re-reading this book over again for years.
Lisa W (verified owner) –
I bought this book for multiple parents, mostly the one’s that were complaining or struggling. At about 18 months my daughter started to challenge me in a way that made me question my parenting skills, by 2… I was as my breaking point. As a single parent and devoted mother…Laura helped me find the inner strength to do the right thing and remind myself constantly what my daughter needed. I get her blog emailed to me and I love it. This book should be required reading for every parent. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, if you follow the practices in the book, you will be see a difference in your child’s behavior. Your child can be difficult to manage at times, but is only a mirror of your effort. All kids have bad days, but as the book says, meet their needs and when you do you will be rewarded with a loving child that sometimes cries or acts out, but it only a sign that you need to do a little more. I now view my daughters crying or acting out as a red flag that I need to do more to connect with her. When I do, I get to feel that special bond that makes me glad she felt comfortable enough to let me help her through it. I can’t say enough about this book and advice given. I am not prefect and still have my moments, but they are less often and less severe and I apologize and talk to my daughter about it afterward. Still working on myself as that is the key. Just take the time to read this book and try it Dr. Markham’s way. You won’t be sorry. Someone in my life saw how I was parenting and thought I was coddling my daughter and worried about the behavior and 2 1/2 years later has admitted that they were wrong and commented how happy I must be how well behaved and delightful she is now. I resisted the need to say “I told you so”. It might not work as quickly or have a dramatic effect as quickly as on every child, but it will work to make your child feel more loved and you can’t go wrong with that.
Anya (verified owner) –
From the time I found out that I was going to be a mother, I was worried about how I was going to “handle discipline.” I would picture an older version of my daughter doing something that she was not supposed to do, and I had no idea how I was going to be angry at her. I actually thought that was something that I needed to do, figure out how to get angry at her, because how else would she know that it was serious and she couldn’t do that? One can imagine my relief upon reading the brilliant ideas in this book, ideas that seemed to me ground-breaking and revolutionary, but at the same time completely natural and intuitive.
This book answered my biggest questions about parenting, provided a solution for just about every potential issue I could come up with. Best of all, it gave me confidence that I can teach my daughter, that I can set healthy boundaries for her, that I can help her get through her emotions, all without ever having to treat her disrespectfully or adversarially.
I now understand that I can set limits but still be on her side, that I can be with her on her level but still be her guide, that I can be her parent AND her friend.
Thank you, Dr. Laura, I recommend your book every chance I get! 🙂
C Roberts (verified owner) –
Like my father and his father before him, I was an angry dad. Like my wife’s mother and grandmother, my wife was controlling and touchy. Our three kids (13, 11, & 9) were inflicted with our poor parenting and things were getting worse. After a dramatic event at home, I sought knowledge. I found Dr. Markham’s blog and read and read and read some more. My wife and I sought out a good counselor to speak with. And I bought this excellent book. Three months later, we have peace in our houme. We are now better parents and getting better all the time. The book sits on my nightstand and even just reading the cover is a comfort and a guide. Stop yelling. Start connecting. It is a JOY.
Thank you so much Dr. Markham.
Thank you.
Thank you.
AvidShopper (verified owner) –
This book, among others, made me realize the true cause of my children’s ADD/ADHD. Listening to this one, I felt empowered to respond to my children’s emotions rather than reacting to their behaviours. Within 2 months, my children no longer display any symptoms of ADHD. However, if I slip and become the parent I used to be.. their behaviour is full-on ADD and ODD. When I see them misbehaving, I take a look at myself, and get myself in check, and I know what to do thanks to Dr. Laura. The way this book is written, with so many examples of how to respond, does not leave the listener guessing. This book helped save my children from a life-time of feeling inadequate and only conditionally loved. Now I know how to SHOW my children they are unconditionally loved, and the change in them is absolutely remarkable! I’m very anxious for Dr. Markham’s next book “Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings”… with 2 ADHD kids ages 7 and 8, I wish this book would hurry up please!!
Other books I recommend: The Conscious Parent, by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting, Dr. Brené Brown, Youtube videos by Dr. Gabor Maté and Dr. Gordon Neufeld.
the.old.barn<span class="a-icon a-profile-verified-badge"><span class="a-profile-verified-text"></span></span> (verified owner) –
This book changed not only changed the way I parent, it changed the way I see my child. I have read this book and the read it again and again. It is written in way that is NOT trying to sell you on the WHY with very little HOW like so many other books. Dr. Markham is very clear and thorough about both with research to back it all up. And it works. I didn’t think I was capable of dealing with my children meltdowns and defiance without yelling, but now I can because I see what the meltdowns really are, a child’s way of handling too-big emotions. I now try to see and talk through the emotions before dealing with the behavior…I cannot recommend this book enough!! It should go home with every new baby from the hospital. My only regret is not reading it until by kids were 7 and 8. I could have saved a lot of time and had less repair to do on our relationships had I read it sooner! Get this book, you won’t regret it!
Jhubb2 (verified owner) –
Admittedly I am not finished with the book, but the first unit of the book, which focuses on helping yourself calm down first is just so amazing that I cannot wait to post a review. I will update my review when I am finished with the book. First, I want to address those who downgrade this book because it is just “common sense.” Well, this information may MAKE SENSE once you read it, but it is not common sense to those who were not raised with so called “common sense” parenting. I have gone to plenty of parenting classes and read many books on the subject, and I’ve even read a book on how to stop yelling at your kids. Though I have really learned a lot, I have not been able to stop yelling and stop letting the primitive part of my brain, rather than the logical part of my brain, take over the task of discipline. This is the first time that I have read a book that firsts focuses on how to take care of yourself before you try to discipline your kids. All of the other books and classes have focused primarily on how to replace the yelling with other options, but really didn’t help the reader take care of themselves so that they can eventually keep from having that feeling of yelling. One of the things that I love about this author is her honesty, and her willingness to say what we all think at times, and her willingness to tell us that it’s normal to think like that, but we need someone to tell (even if it is just a friend), and we need to find a way to diffuse our situation before we lose credibility with our kids. The most valuable things that I have take away SO FAR, are 1) it is not an emergency, you can come back and deal with it after you have diffused yourself, 2) walk away, 3) “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” ~ Dalai Lama, and 4) by regulating our own behavior, we are teaching our kids how to regulate their own behavior. None of this is easy, so the author outlines steps on how to diffuse yourself, how to keep yourself from yelling in the first place. Then the author goes on to tell the reader how to discipline without taking away stuff and privileges (which never works, I’ve found my 7 year old, and only makes the situation worse), but I haven’t gotten to this yet. The very next morning (my worst time of day with my kids) I was able to follow the steps outlined by the author to keep myself regulated and it worked so well. They were quite motivated to do the things I was asking them to do. Here I was then able to implement other techniques I have learned over time, like asking them what their responsibility is at that moment, rather than just telling them to go get dressed. When they can answer it for themselves, then they are more likely to go do it themselves. I would not have gotten to that point, though, if I had started all angry and hyped up. I was so excited to get through a morning without yelling and even being able to calm down and breathe through the small things, like waiting for my 5 year old to click his seatbelt (which takes an ETERNITY).
C. Walsh (verified owner) –
This book has helped shape me into a better parent & person. That is the bottom line, but the ideology hasn’t been perfect or a silver bullet for our strong willed fire cracker.
I find solace & inspiration from this book regularly. It has changed how I communicate with my child & it has made a difference in our relationship. Also my enjoyment in parenting. We have been using most of the methods for about six months.
My constructive criticism is that there is not enough in regards to developing consequences. Our kid is spirited and can be very difficult, contrary, and have outrageous tantrums. We needed supplements to this book when we went through challenging periods, but this is still a go to for daily peaceful inspiration.
Lauren Foster (verified owner) –
Love this book. I will need to by a paperback copy now that I have listened to the audio as a visual reference but that’s fine with me. Nice being able to listen in the car!
Heloise (verified owner) –
Great book, but unfortunately putting it into practice is another story. If you have an easy kid, then this style of parenting is great. If you have a stubborn or resistant kid, then this approach only makes them more stubborn and resistant I have found. With my son, a 5 min time out gets him to change his attitude. It’s not positive parenting approach, but some kids need more. Parents only have so much patience in reality.
Coco S. (verified owner) –
I have to start this review by saying, “thank you, thank you,thank you Dr. Laura Markham”. This book is amazing and has completely changed the way I parent my two very energetic boys (2 & 4 years). Before reading this book, I was contemplating going back to work full-time because staying at home with my boys full-time was turning out to be not very enjoyable. I have also read Dr. Markham’s second book (Peaceful Parent, Happy Sibling) and it has been incredibly helpful as well. Dr. Laura Markham gives specific examples of every day difficult situations and how to lovingly, yet assertively handle these challenges. Her books, audios, website (ahaparenting.com), and parenting courses are filled with such amazingly valuable relationship-changing information which will put true joy back into parenting. You owe it to yourself and your child (and everyone around you) to read this gem.
Renee Duplechain (verified owner) –
I think it was some of what I knew, but it was more and clear and really gave me specifics to work on. I wish I had read it before my child reached the age of six. The earlier you can start, the better the communication will be. We will keep working on it!
Mmyers (verified owner) –
Overall some good concepts, definitely challenging to put into practice when you have a toddler and a newborn. Seems like these books assume you can just drop everything you’re doing and spend an hour dealing with everything your kids throws at you. Well when you’re holding a baby you certainly can’t always drop what you’re doing.
Wolverine in Hoosierland (verified owner) –
Dr. Markham’s books is a great read. She writes in easy-to-understand language. I’ve read many books that talk about “mindfulness” but fail to really describe it concretely. Here’s how Markham defines it: Being aware of your thoughts/emotions, but not acting on them (i.e. not getting angry). She provides a definition from an 11-year old: “Mindfulness is being able to get mad at somebody but not hitting them.” Wonderful.
Essentially, the book boils down to 3 concepts: controlling yourself (mindfulness), connecting with your kid(s), and coaching for the future. Each of these topics is covered in detail. The biggest “aha” for me is that when kids are pushing our buttons, it’s not really about them; it’s about us. Specifically, an open issue from our own childhood that needs to be addressed. Spot on!
I’m implementing the ideas in the book, with good success. In fact, a couple days after I started applying Markham’s ideas, my 5-year old son told me at bedtime, “your the best daddy in the world!” When I asked why, he said “because you didn’t yell at me today.” Ouch.
There’s still some yelling, but it’s greatly reduced, and I’m confident that I’ll be “yell-free” in the 3 months Markham says it will take.
I’ll leave you with this thought from the book: In all our interactions with our kids, we have a choice: we can either choose love or fear. Choose love. Punishment/threats and other fear-based “discipline” approaches don’t work. If our kids aren’t doing what we’re asking, it’s a relationship issue that we have with them.
Pierrot (verified owner) –
When I read this book 2 years ago, I was dumbfounded, I felt a huge feeling that this is the way I wish I was parented and how i want to parent my kids this way. Who wouldn’t want to be understood during difficult times, be it a child or an adult.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family with a generous portion of emotional and physical abuse. I was the youngest and I got it from everyone. I have always been a conscientious person, always looking in the mirror and changing myself. But I didn’t know just how much anger I had suppressed inside until I had kids.
My husband and I adopted 2 siblings under the age of four. That first 6 months were brutally hard, i saw my anger for the first time. Adopted kids are broken souls the work was way harder than I had imagined. This book saved me as parent, saved me as a human. It spelled out how to deal with triggers, it verified that the child is not bad, it’s our undealt pain that are the issues. This book helped me begin my journey to healing myself from a traumatic past.
Thank you Dr. Laura Markham for the healing, many days were overwhelming but I have come a long way, my kids have come a long way.
To put things in perspective, I still yell and am not always in control, and I often miss the cue. I’m writing this review for others like me who are trying *so hard* to not be angry but somewhere their mind/body doesn’t cooperate. I read the book “The body keeps the score by Bessel van der Kolk” which talks about PTSD and the traumatic wounds from childhood that can be healed using other methods such as EMDR, yoga, meditation, hypnotherapy etc.
I also read her book ‘Peaceful Parent happy siblings’ and this is a phenomenal book too. My two kids have a healthy relationship with each other, they play with each other so much. Their hysterical giggles over the silliest thing fills our home and heart with so much joy.
Just imagine what a world of humans who have been parented gently will look like. We have tried war for centuries, let’s try peace and see where that takes us!
Julie K (verified owner) –
This book touches on your own self regulation as a major aspect of being a peaceful parent, and the more I practice the strategies, the more I know how true that is. Also it’s not just about trying to get your child to be obedient but to help this growing/ developing little person flourish thru emotion coaching for self regulation and allowing your repeated connection to get you both thru the tough times. I enjoyed his book because it offers an makes sense alternative to the common ideologies growing up, but i still have doubts if all of it is really possible without “punishment”- timeouts etc. While this book gave plenty examples of how to practice each strategy, I find that I may need to re-read this book or find more resources so that I can fully incorporate them in daily life, just because it’s shifting to something else from what I’m previously familiar with. There are so many different parenting styles out there and I would really like to get behind this one since I feel it’s more in line of how we would like to parent. We will give it a try and just if needed. I will also be referring to the Ah! website as a resource.
Kumon of Crofton (verified owner) –
I enjoyed the book. There is a lot of information and at times I found myself skipping sections since my children are older. The other sections were applicable since I work with children of all ages. I did incorporate the special time with my children and it is allowed for us to connect on another level. The pillow fight was probably the most fun!! Thank you!
SS (verified owner) –
Great book but a lot of repetition. It gets tiring after a while. The same book could have written a lot shorter without repeating the basics again and again.
Mark (verified owner) –
If someone had told me about the book’s approach before I read it, I’m not sure I would have agreed, because it’s not what we’ve been told or learned. But once I read through the author’s underlying logic and explanations, everything made sense. There is a huge emphasis on giving our children “love” even during their worst moments, and staying away from punishment, yelling and discipline, including timeouts. These concepts may seem a little odd, but the author does a good job explaining why they work. We’ve started utilizing the methods in the book with our 2 year old and things are working out much better than before. I recommend this book to anyone raising kids and trying to do the best they can.
Maria Ritchey (verified owner) –
Good read. I wish I had read when my oldest was younger. But I definitely am working on some of the strategies and know I will see improvement in my relationships with my daughters.
Katey Pooh (verified owner) –
This book has been an absolute God-send for our family. One of our daughters has been having some behavioral issues and in our frustration we kept looking at her as having an issue. A little introspection lead me to believe that OUR parenting might be the issue at hand (surprise, surprise) and a couple of internet searches lead me to Dr. Markham. Her perspective has been fascinating and just taking the pause before interacting with my child has made a world of difference. We all carry baggage from our own childhoods that include busy parents, potentially spanking, and just the standard mistakes that we ALL make as parents. This book reminds us that we can a.) get passed those, b.) not repeat some of those mistakes and c.) truly build a bond with our child that transcends the every day “grind” of parenting. I think that creating this bond will help us in the teen years (TWO DAUGHTERS!!) and managing my own disappointment and anger has been cathartic for me as well. Highly recommend this book and the associated Aha Parenting site.
Donna Mix (verified owner) –
I bought this as a gift and did not have time to read it first, as I’d intended to do. I’m confident it will be of use to the grandparents of the 3 preschoolers they are fostering. So far as we know it’s a temporary situation, although the children have been there more than 2 years already. They’re delightful children, but they don’t listen well–so far. 😉
B.Gief (verified owner) –
The work of Dr Laura accounts for more than 50% of the healthy changes to our parenting! My husband and I are. Parents to three children under five. When we had our first, we committed to attachment parenting… Which in hindsight mostly practiced as baby bonding. As our son/first child turned two and a half we began having f power struggles and we were just lost as to what to do. In the absence of reflection, history repeats itself and we found ourselves parenting the way that we were patented despite our instincts against doing so.
I come from a long lineeage of “yellers”.. It become quite the norm for me to yell at our elder children. Many times I was just unaware that it was even occurring. Until one day my children were yelling at each other and I ask them to stop! My then four year old son said to me ” why should we stop, you yell at us”. I was floored to say the least. I enrolled in Dr Thomas Gordon P.E.T. Course initially wanting to just communicate better with my children, but amidst taking the course I discovered that there was a lot of personal work that needed addressing & that’s where we found Dr.Laura Markhams works. I can’t speak more highly about how her book (& subsequently her 12 week online course for parents) has changed our lives. With practical tools to help myself so that I can use my P.E.T. skills and Dr. Siegels Mindsight to help my children.
I’ve purchased so many copies of this book to give away. Even the audio version I listen to through the day at times just to keep the essence alive. I only wish the audiobook was in Dr Laura’s voice. It’s so calm and reassuring. Don’t miss the chance to alter your love in a powerful way! Love grows here!
Jamie (verified owner) –
Is this book for you? Let me state some questions, each one a little harder than the last. Is your child under the age of 6? If yes, then this book will probably work, if older, I’d really suggest a book for older kids. Are you at your wits end with the yelling, fighting at every turn and constant nagging to get simple things done with your child? If yes, then maybe this book IS for you. Have you noticed your current parenting methods are simply not working? If yes, then possibly, this book is for you. Lastly, the hardest question of all, are you willing to admit that you are most likely the biggest part of the problem with your child’s misbehavior? If you can answer this question yes, then this book WILL work for you. But it does require you to dig deep and examine your own past, your own feelings, and your own problems and accept and work to fix them before your child will ever respond to these practices in the book.
A little background on us: I have been struggling with my 2 year old daughter. She is very high needs, she is very stubborn and extremely intelligent. Add her constantly not feeling well from ear infections and eventually a perforated ear drum from tube malfunction, she was just rotten. A few months ago we were headed down an awful road. Tantrums every night, timeouts, me frustrated and angry and feeling like I’ve been through a war every night after she finally went to sleep. I cried everyday, I loved her but nothing was working, I didn’t want to be THAT parent that broke her spirit but she wasn’t listening to anything I said, she was getting violent, throwing things, hitting, just all around angry. I started reading this book out of sheer desperation, I was lost and felt completely alone and the ultimate failure. In the few weeks I’ve started the practices in this book, both Lise and I have done a 180. The tantrums are few and far between, and when they are there, they are short and very manageable. Lise has become affectionate with both her daddy and I. She freely gives kisses and hugs when before she refused any affection. She listens to what I say, she has started playing by herself and not demanding my attention 24/7. It’s crazy and wonderful, I understand her feelings better and she’s getting better at expressing whats going on and even more, handling her emotions and working through them herself. I just can’t say enough, time outs, spanking all that is completely gone in our house. Even the word NO is very rarely used. Lise has started understanding and respecting our limits with little to no toddler stubbornness. She wants to make us happy and I can literally see the confidence building in her. Things aren’t perfect, but they are absolutely better.
At first reading this book, I was like um, no, there is no way that this could work. My wild child will walk all over me when I start this so called “love” parenting. But as I mentioned, I was desperate. I didn’t want to spank her, I didn’t want to drag her kicking and screaming to timeout, I didn’t want to isolate her or be constantly telling her no she can’t do that, no she can’t do this, no, no, no. I knew deep down what I was doing wasn’t right regardless of what family members suggested based on their experiences. They told me to come down hard on her now or she will only get worse. I was angry, she was angry, we both had no idea what to expect from each other that day, so we both went into the day guarded and short tempered. I knew I loved her dearly, and I tried my best to try the old school parenting practices with her but it was only making her worse. Yes, she listened most of the time based on threats when we were out in public or at someones house, but I now know that was only because I was humiliating her and would’ve done it further by spanking her or forcing timeout in front of people she simply wanted to interact with. I know what you are thinking, she is only 2, 2 year olds don’t think on that level, but mine does. I can’t speak for yours. Once I’d bring her home, the “old school” practices would break down, and I would be forced to yell, time out, and spank. Tantrums would be hours long, kicking, screaming (screaming on both of our parts) and hitting. The child lived in time out. It simply wasn’t working. I was desperate for any alternative, and i thought, well, she is already unmanageable, what more could this do…So I started doing little things as I read them in the book. Before I was even done, I saw changes in her. Dramatic changes. I’m currently on my second round reading it. She wants to listen to us, yes she is a toddler, but often with a simple compromise, or a promise (that is ALWAYS kept on my part) to come back when time allows for whatever activity she is involved in, we can get through just about anything without screaming, or acting like a wild child. We understand each other so much better, we talk, we laugh, we have a blast together…I look forward to continuing this peaceful approach for the rest of her life. I’m sure there will be breakdowns, yelling, but I’m confident that we can work through just about anything together.
K H (verified owner) –
This book has totally changed our home. My son is 4.5, very strong-willed, and has had a hitting problem for 3 years. I had tried several different disciplinary approaches (timeouts, ignoring, etc.), but nothing I did made any difference. I’ve been working on converting to the loving approach outlined in this book for a couple months now, and his hitting problem is almost totally under control. Most importantly, he’s not afraid to tell me when he’s done something wrong–he’s honest with me. He’s learning to want to do the right thing because it’s the right thing, not because he’s scared of being punished. He and my almost-two-year old are learning to solve their own conflicts, and their relationship has improved so much. I read some of the bad reviews–I did not find the author’s tone to be condescending at all. On the contrary, I was impressed with how kind she comes across. But you do have to be willing to take an honest look at yourself, to see where you could improve. I recommend this book to every parent!
Sarah (verified owner) –
This book is eveything I ever hoped for. I grew up in a household where I was constantly yelled at for discipline. As a child, I early on started yelling back at my parents and always hated it, wanting to stop and not knowing how. Then as a parent I saw myself yelling at my daughter, not knowing what to do. I texted a friend asking for a good recommendation on a parenting book and she immediately recommended this one. From there my life has completely changed. Within months I was able to go from yelling multiple times a day to yelling maybe once a month (and forgiving myself for the slip-ups!). I love parenting. I’m constantly connecting with my daughter and really seeing the joys of raising a child. I went from dreading parenting to enjoying being a stay-at-home mom. My daughter (at 2) can now begin to solve her own problems with gentle guidance. She pinpoints her emotions and is empathetic when I feel sad or frustrated as well. What I adore is that the book is based on studies, not just the author’s opinion. As I studied Human Development in college, this really appeals to my science-minded mentality. I am so thankful I was recommended this book when my daughter was still very young. My whole family is more peaceful and happier. I cannot even express in words the difference this book made in loving and caring for my child and in loving myself. I only hope it can help your family as much as it helped mine.
Panda (verified owner) –
This is a great book that puts a good perspective on parenting. In tense situations I’ve begun to ask myself whether or not whatever is happening is an emergency. I identify how my toddlers are probably feeling and articulate it so they know I understand. I’m better able now to step back and think about each situation. The only reason there are 4 stars instead of 5 is because I do believe you can still be too lenient, and some form of discipline is needed. Kiss have to learn about consequences.
Jtandfamily (verified owner) –
Bought this after watching Chester Bennington (linkin park) recommended it in his vlog. It adds great insight but is mostly about the parents and coming to terms with their issues. Easy read
MSox (verified owner) –
I love this book! It has transformed the way I see parenting. Parenting isn’t about what our child does, but is entirely about how we respond. I love that concept. I have read many many other parenting books that talk about how to fix your kids; how to discipline so they’ll listen; how to be firm but kind; how to discipline in a positive way; and on and on. And all those books have given me great tools, but none have turned my parenting paradigm upside down like this book.
This is the book for every parent, particularly a parent of a willful child that no method you try seems to fully break through to your child and you know there just has to be a better way. This is for every parent who has ever wondered if they’re good enough or what the heck am I doing? This is for every parent no matter your circumstance. It will teach you how to be a better you so you can gently lead your child by love and example along the tricky road to adulthood.
jennifer (verified owner) –
I wish I had this book years ago. I have recommended it to everyone I know who has children. After raising one and having a 12yr old at home- I didn’t think I needed a parenting book. However, I believe that anyone who has contact with a child needs to read this book, grandparents, childcare workers, teachers- you have to read this book. I have done just a few simple things that are changing the entire feeling of my home. Your child doesn’t want to get out of bed- do you want to stop the yelling and rush to get ready for school? Easy. Go snuggle with your child for five minutes. Talk to them. Don’t think you have five minutes- read the book. This book explains why children act the way they do – in a way that connects with everyday life. There is so much in this book. As a mom of a child who has had her share of life trials with medical diagnoses and death of loved ones- I found a separation happening between us. She no longer talked to me like she used to. But today, despite my crazy hours and work schedule- she came to me when I was getting dressed for work and told me something- I made eye contact and repeated a quick version of what she had just said- back to her. “Yes,” – she confirmed back to me- looking suspiciously as she walked out of the room. I always listen to her, but she was not feeling listened too. There is a difference. So if you want a closer bond with your child- read this book. If you want your child to share their life with you- read this book. If you care about or love any child- read this book. You will be glad you did. I am beyond thankful I purchased this book.
Andrew Benjamin George (verified owner) –
I really like the three big ideas she references throughout the book. She emphasizes the importance of having a strong connection with your child and making sure your child’s basic needs are met before you try to teach them. She integrates many different parenting approaches (Love and Logic, The Whole-Brained Child, etc) into one approach, which is nice. I did feel like the book could have been 3x shorter and I would have gotten the same out of it. She has long lists and wordy explanations at times. She also repeats many ideas to the point that by the last chapter, I just started skimming to see if anything new was going to show up. The book needs to be more concise and more carefully structured. This will prevent parents from feeling overwhelmed since her lists contain many do’s and dont’s of parenting. It can be overwhelming, so while reading the book, I’d suggest staying focused on her three big ideas. It’s worth the read.
danlo924 (verified owner) –
Ignore the bad reviews! I honestly think they just didn’t bother to read the book to the end. When I first began reading this book, it DID make me very uncomfortable. It is opposite how I was raised, and at first, it seemed like there would be no boundaries if you followed her advice. I couldn’t have been more wrong. She says over and over that permissive parenting is not good or effective parenting, and she gives clear examples how to lovingly set limits for your child. I implemented some of her strategies with my own little one, and the results have been amazing. It does take a lot of conscious thought to try to parent how she is recommending, but it has been completely worth it.
Amber (verified owner) –
Good book don’t agree with everything but good read
LB (verified owner) –
I can’t recommend this book strongly enough. I was VERY skeptical about this type of parenting style but the author did a good job explaining what positive discipline is. She even addressed the objections and fears many parents have (ie raising spoiled or disrespectful kids). Ever since implementing the techniques, I’ve seen a major shift in my child, my own personality and my perspective on parenting. This has only strengthen my already close relationship With my toddler and certainly will do the same for her baby sister. The book gives examples of common behavioral challenges parents encounter at various ages and she explains how to address them.
If you are looking for a style of parenting that Empowers your child , I would recommend checking this book out.
Joe Swan (verified owner) –
The book is great! I’ve Sheas started reading and using it. The seller was hard to communicate with. Possibly due to the virus. Was very late delivery.
RachelM21 (verified owner) –
I thoroughly appreciated the scientific and factual explanations provided. Some of the wording for how to speak with your child comes across as quite placating and phoney but otherwise a very helpful book on controlling your reactions and coaching your child through their learning and emotions.
lauren (verified owner) –
Good Book.
Becky Sorensen (verified owner) –
I did a lot of research before selecting this book. I learned that there are several parenting approaches that use this same body of research regarding punishment, discipline, etc and how they relate to emotional intelligence. I tried another of these approaches first and it just didn’t feel like it fit my personality or ideals. I’m glad I didn’t give up there. I chose this book after reading several articles on Dr Markham’s website. It has helped me immensely.
I have triplets who are almost three and I don’t know how I would have made it this far without the principles and practical applications found in this book. I read it and the Happy Siblings one on a regular basis. It isn’t easy to constantly be the “peaceful parent”, but it works so well and helps my kids work through their emotions instead of stuffing them away. If you’re on the fence, just give it a try. It might be just what you’re family needs.
chelsea (verified owner) –
BUY THIS BOOK! My only regret is not reading it sooner. My son is three and we were having major issues with tantrums. Anything we asked, he would not do. We noticed early on spanking did not work and timeouts were a joke. It made everything worse and made me feel horrible for doing these things to to him (or turning my head while Dad did). I would hate myself and my husband. So we tried different tactics such as bargaining, threatening, taking things away (to punish), and still nothing worked. Why is it everything we have been taught is completely wrong?? This book will explain why none of these approaches work and tell you what to do instead. Our lives have been totally transformed, and we are all so much happier. Granted there is a learning curve and you will fail the first week or two, but I always learned what to do next time. I also learned a lot about myself. I’m no longer agitated all the time and see the beauty of what kids ARE capable of. It’s like I’m a different person. They’re not being manipulative – at this age at least (per my husbands words, which I never really believed). They just want connection! Once you can let go of the stigma that your children must be well behaved at all times and always do exactly what you ask the first time, the pressure is off and you can relax and enjoy each other. And funnily enough, the tantrums are fewer and fewer to almost non existent!!! I’m so happy my daughter (16 mo old) will not grow up knowing our old selves and my son has been easily reversed. If you are struggling, you NEED THIS BOOK!
MH (verified owner) –
I thought this was a good book. It was a bit repetitive and I think it could be slimmed down to make for a quicker read, but the overall message and content were good. I feel it made me a bit more patient and compassionate as a parent, and any book that will do that is worth a read.
Sarah Tillman (verified owner) –
This book has changed how I parent for a lifetime. I didn’t realize that I tried to control too much. I thought because I wasn’t as controlling as my parents I’m probably doing it right. Boy was I wrong. I felt like a failure before this book, and I wasn’t a failure, I just didn’t know. Implying just a few suggestions has changed my whole household and life. You start to see people differently in a more compassionate way because we really were just taught wrong. Thank you for the hard work, the research, and dedication to writing this book. You have changed my family!
Thank you
The Tillman’s a recovery family
Athena (verified owner) –
I browsed for weeks and read tons of reviews for books and something told me to get this one. I’m so glad I did! I’m barely in part 1 and it’s helping me already. I had to come write this review. Ill update my review when I’m done. I’m single mom of 3, 14 year gap between my oldest and my toddlers. Toddlers are 11 months apart. I NEEDED this book.
Pinika (verified owner) –
Book was a fabulous purchase period especially for the price. Has really changed my perspective about my responsibility as a parent. My yelling has decreased by probably 70% after going through this book. I also enjoy my children more. Don’t expect life to get easier, but this helps. Would recommend to any one that is a human
Mel (verified owner) –
Great parenting resource. I have a copy and thought it was so helpful that I purchased another for a friend who wanted to borrow it. I refer to my copy every so often as my child grows and am presented with new challenges.
SShafer (verified owner) –
This books has been very helpful to me as a mother of two. The book provided very good examples and real life situations on how to respond in stressful and high intense situations.
Vaishnavi (verified owner) –
Grateful for this book
I recommend it to anyone with children
Quick read and well organized, lots of helpful tips and principles to follow.
Jessica Thompson (verified owner) –
I love this book. It has reshaped the way I think about parenting. Buy it and read it. Then, if your child had siblings, buy the next book in the series. You will not regret it. You will be a better parent for it and it will change your relationship with your child for the better.
Kaitlin L. (verified owner) –
Engaging content, relatable experiences, and well organized!
I keep it on the nightstand as I go back through examples that occurred that day. Great book!
nisreen (verified owner) –
one of the best book I have ever read. love it.