Description
Being partnered with a narcissist or borderline personality can be hard enough, but learning how to shield children from the fallout is paramount. Here, the authors show readers how to manage parenting when a narcissistic or borderline partner is part of the equation.
Life in a narcissistic family system is at best challenging, and too often filled with chaos, isolation, emotional outbursts, and rigid controlling behaviors. It is too often devoid of peace and emotional safety. In the worst outcomes, children in these families grow up with low self-worth, issues with trust and belonging, and a lack of self-compassion. They are at significant risk of carrying the cycle forward and having poor adult relationships.
This book offers a way to intervene and disrupt the cycle of negative outcomes for children. Written by two family therapists who bring a combined total of sixty years of clinical practice with individuals and families, the book pulls no punches, giving clear-headed advice, easy to follow actions to help children, and an abundance of teaching examples.
Instead of the doom and gloom scenarios often presented about life with a narcissist or borderline, this book provides a much more positive outlook, and most importantly, it offers hope and a path to an entirely different outcome for the family members. Supported by current research in neuroscience, mindfulness and parenting information, the book focuses on teaching resilience and self-compassion to raise emotionally healthy children, even in a narcissistic family system.
It starts by helping parents get a clear understanding of what they face with a narcissistic or borderline partner. There is no room here for denial, but there are also many options to explore. It explains how and why the narcissistic family system functions so poorly for raising healthy children, and pinpoints the deficits while providing information on how to intervene more effectively for the benefit of the children.
Using their years of experience, the authors present ideas for staying together as well as knowing when to leave the relationship and how best to do that. Emphasis throughout the book is on supporting and strengthening the reader with encouragement, concrete ideas, skills and compassionate understanding.
Jennifer (verified owner) –
This book is amazing. It really breaks it all down so that you can absorb everything you need to. It has answered so many questions I have been struggling with. It is honest, realistic, and clear about ways to help yourself and your family. These situations are really hard and knowledge is key to finding a way to move forward. I would recommend this book to everyone who is dealing with a person like this in their lives!!
Disappointed (verified owner) –
Co-parenting with a partner who has challenging mental health issues can be extremely difficult. This book offers helpful strategies for making this arrangement as successful as possible. The author discusses structures that can be applied to intact as well as divorced/separate household situations, and makes suggestions for how to determine whether to remain in a marriage/relationship or leave. Conventional co-parenting strategies are not effective in dynamics involving a parent with BPD or NPD and it can feel incredibly defeating when nothing works. It is also very difficult to find useful information that can be helpful in these non conventional situation. This book is a great resource.
Kay.E.L. (verified owner) –
Great book. Gives good intro to help reader understand what NPD is. Then goes on to offer solid ways to deal with it to help the NPD’s child.
Debbie Russell (verified owner) –
I read this book as the child of a BPD mother because its discussion on the family unit was enlightening. It could have been written for my dad. I’m grateful that he was secure enough in himself to parent us as both mother and father, as my mother simply was not up to the task. Highly recommended.
2girls4me (verified owner) –
This was such a valuable read for me in my family situation. I’m grateful this resource exists. I highly recommend it!
Emily (verified owner) –
Lots of books about narcissists talk about them like they are vampires, and not even human, just evil. This is a very fair, practical, and eye opening way of looking at them and dealing with them, when you’re married to one, and want to do the best thing for your kids. If there is only one book to buy, this is it.
QBFurious (verified owner) –
This book described my situation so well it was like the authors lived in my home and wrote it about me, my husband, and my children. I am so grateful for that understanding alone, and yet they go on to provide a structured approach to helping my children feel understood, to flourish, and to realize they are separate from someone who is poorly behaved for a parent. While my situation may soon come to an end with divorce, I will continue to use this book as a guide for helping my children overcome their bad experiences, and helping them develop a well-adjusted emotional system, with confidence in their own feelings, resilience, and growth. I cannot thank the authors enough for this book.
Growth mindset Mom (verified owner) –
I found this book very informative. I agree with the negative reviews that this book lumps Natcassistic Pd (NPD) and Borderline together. I DON’t agree, however, that it makes the book ineffective at communicating essential truths about the emotional limitations and tendencies of the sick parent. I know a lot more about NPD, and I know some about BPD. What I found most helpful is that limitations of these people are serious and real and likely like living with a paraplegic- you wouldn’t keep yelling at a person in a wheel chair to walk, you’d find ways to work with their limitations. I’ve read negative reviews shaming anyone who would stay with a narcissist. This book is a good guide to understand what you’re dealing (because I think sometimes people are blindsided. They know something is wrong in their relationship but they aren’t sure what- then they discover it snd it’s a shock) with, how to protect children if leaving isn’t an option or even if leaving isn’t an option YET- often the wisest route to exit an impossible situation is to take the time and steps to prepare emotionally, financially, strategically. During that interim you still have to raise your children in that environment. Additionally there are people with NPD who are less severe and less toxic and not abusive. These marriages are often worth saving. I have seen the points of focus in this book make a genuine difference in my children and even in the narcissist..
Renee Fox (verified owner) –
I found this book to be very helpful. I don’t live with the NP/BP parent, but the authors’ professional work with and on behalf of families in these situations was a must-read. Highly recommend.
Dana Hanna (verified owner) –
This book is great. It validates what I’ve experienced and been so helpful
Kait (verified owner) –
Insightful, helpful, REASSURING. Thank you Jean and Margalis for writing this!
An easy read that will make a big impact.
Klara (verified owner) –
What I love most about this book is that it doesn’t sugarcoat the impact a bpd/npd parent has on a child in any way. It also captures what it’s like parenting with a bpd/npd perfectly. The only thing I notice is that the author who has a bpd mother seems to suggest that bpd is genetic rather than environmental making comments like ‘I know my grandmother didn’t cause my mothers bpd’ I think it is very well documented now that bpd definitely has environmental causes especially parenting, as well as a genetic predisposition.
Evelyn (verified owner) –
Helpful. It gave me hope that I can raise my child to be resilient even when he is being raised in a difficult situation
Karolina Grigsby (verified owner) –
I’ve read it twice, very informative!!